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Return To The Emerald Triangle

Return To The Emerald Triangle

Contrary to Thomas Wolfe’s dictum, you can indeed go home again. It’s just that there’s no guarantee home will be anything like the way you left it, if in fact it’s still there at all. Nor, flying in the face of Robert Frost’s oft-quoted wisdom, that when you go there, they’ll have to let you in.

It’s been 30 years since I first arrived in what would come to be known as the Emerald Triangle, 15 since I lived there in any meaningful way, and six since I left it for the last time. I’ve been meaning to go back for a visit ever since, but never seemed to find the time or energy. I kept in touch as much as possible through phone calls and letters with friends and family still living there, and by faithfully reading the region’s foremost news source, the Anderson Valley Advertiser. Even from afar, I could tell that things were changing in the old homeland, perhaps not always for the better.

Ever since I left I’ve had a series of recurring dreams in which I return to the land where I once lived and find that it’s been developed beyond all logic and proportion. Nine grueling miles from the nearest highway, almost 20 from the nearest town, completely off the grid, with water a scarce and iffy resource, and yet somehow a golf course and a vast lake would have materialized at the foot of my property. The dust, rock-strewn trail that served as a road would have been paved and lined with luxury homes directly overlooking my own, which during the years I lived there had been enfolded in a hillside and nestled in a grove of fir and pine, completely out of sight and mind from the rest of humanity.

Every time I’d have this dream, I’d get very upset, and it was never clear whether it was because I hadn’t been there to prevent this development, or hadn’t been there to participate in it. A bit of both, I suppose; while I’d loved my home and land just as they were, I also couldn’t help regretting having left before they’d become part of what was clearly a very upmarket community.

Once I woke up, of course, I’d laugh at such a ridiculous notion. Certainly there might come a time when the remote reaches of Spy Rock and Iron Peak were paved over and gentrified into luxury estates, but it wasn’t likely to be in my lifetime. Possibly my children’s or grandchildren’s – if I had any – but given the harsh realities of mountain life, even that seemed a stretch.

Crazy dreams aside, it was clear that the Emerald Triangle – the name given by marijuana eradication authorities to the counties of Mendocino, Humboldt and Trinity and enthusiastically embraced by the growers who comprised a hefty percentage of the citizenry – was, no matter how long I stayed away, still much on my mind. So in mid-August 2010, a good month or so before the ratcheting up of traffic and tension occasioned by the annual harvest, I borrowed my brother’s pickup truck and headed north up Highway 101, on a pilgrimage to the place I once called home.

I wanted to see more than just Spy Rock and Iron Peak; in fact I was out to take in the whole panorama and panoply of Mendocino and Humboldt – Trinity was too far off the map, and I’d never spent much time there anyway – in a mere two days. A ridiculous impossibility, as anyone who’s ever taken the better part of a day to drive from one corner of the county to the other can tell you, but I was going to give it a try.

My first stop was Boonville, principal city and, you could say, if there were such a thing, capital of the Anderson Valley, once home to rough-hewn ranchers and loggers, now one of the world’s premier wine-producing terroirs. Boonville may have grown only slightly in size in terms of population – for a long time it boasted 715 inhabitants but now may be pushing 800 or even a thousand – but the rough-hewn little cluster of shops, service facilities and watering holes has come close to transforming itself into – dare I say it? – an almost cute little boutique town. Put it this way: if I didn’t have specific business there, I might have found myself questioning whether I could afford to stop.

A less than flattering but perhaps not entirely inaccurate caricature of the AVA's Bruce Anderson.

I had come to look in on Bruce Anderson, the legendary, larger-than-life editor and publisher of “America’s last newspaper,” the Anderson Valley Advertiser. I found him in his office situated above the Mosswood Market, one of Boonville’s classy new eating establishments, cordially heaping abuse on Mendocino County Supervisor John McCowen, who had unwisely phoned to complain about his treatment in the previous week’s issue. “Wait until you see today’s paper,” Bruce cheerfully told the hapless Supe, “I all but accuse you of being an accessory to murder.”

I discovered the AVA shortly after coming to Mendocino County. Journalism appeared to be thriving in the small towns and backwoods in those days; almost anybody, it seemed, with a typewriter and a grudge could start his or her own publication. Which is exactly what I did, and soon Bruce was routinely reprinting articles from Lookout in his newspaper. Eventually I began writing stories specifically destined for the AVA, and even stood in as guest editor during one of his stints in the county jail, which might easily have been the pinnacle of my own journalistic career.

Still wearing his trademark workingman’s cap and sporting a beard to rival that of Uncle Whiskers himself, Bruce seemed to have finally found his niche: while the AVA may never rival the New York Times in scope or influence, it remains unquestionably the best newspaper of its kind in America if not the world. And what kind of newspaper is that? Trying to answer that question calls to mind what Bill Graham once said of the Grateful Dead: “It’s not just that they’re the best at what they do; they’re the only ones that do what they do.”

Gone are the days when people routinely threaten to beat up, blow up, or lock up Bruce Anderson for what they perceive as his journalistic transgressions; although his writing is as hard-hitting and uncompromising as ever, he seems to have found a degree of acceptance or at least tolerance even among those who can’t stand his politics. Someday historians and filmmakers will beat a trail to Boonville trying to uncover the true story of our modern-day equivalent to Sam Clemens or H.L. Mencken, but in the meantime, Bruce is printing the news, raising hell, and enjoying the heck out of life.

My next stop was the village of Mendocino. Bruce glowered at my mention of the place. “It’s like a mausoleum,” he opined. “Personally, I like Fort Bragg.” I said I was considering taking a different route; instead of following Highway 128 (aka Boonville’s Main Street) right on out to the Coast Highway, I thought I’d explore the Comptche Road, which bypasses quite a few miles of twisting, tourist-clogged Highway 1 and comes out right at Mendocino itself.

Part of the attraction was that I’d never been to Comptche before; it was one of the few towns or villages in the county I hadn’t seen. “Is there anything there?” I asked Bruce. “No,” he said. “There’s a store. But it’s a beautiful drive.”

Bruce had underestimated the glories of Comptche, but not by much. There was a store, a volunteer fire department, and a stop sign (the only one between Boonville and the Coast), but there was also a row of pleasant-looking houses and, of course, a whole lot of trees. I nodded appreciatively as I passed through, but didn’t feel any need to hang about.

Mendocino as seen by tourists and on TV. Don't hate her because she's beautiful.

Bruce’s opinion notwithstanding, I really enjoyed Mendocino. His objection, I’m pretty sure, is that it’s a toytown, not a real town, a well-preserved but essentially ornamental remnant of the 19th century New England-style fishing village it stood in for on the long-running television show, Murder, She Wrote.

I’ve been there innumerable times over the last 40 years, and although I always appreciated the ambiance, I’d never felt as though I had a handle on the place. Some of my favorite memories were of dropping a bundle of Lookout magazines at Corners Of The Mouth, the long-running natural foods shop. I don’t know if Lookout would still be welcome there today, but I did discover a new issue of Beth Bosk’s Mendocino-based New Settler Interview, which goes back at least as far as the Lookout, and which actually interviewed me – well, I was a new settler, wasn’t I? – in 1986 on the subject of punk rock, a far cry from the magazine’s usual fare of full moon hemp fests and yurts woven from seaweed (and all kidding aside, the New Settler Interview will be a priceless resource to future historians of the region).

I didn’t have a lot of time, but managed to wander around a few streets near Mendocino’s “downtown,” and either the place has changed or I have, because I “got it” in a way that I never had before. Something I hadn’t previously noticed – maybe because they’re new, or because I wasn’t looking – is that between many of the old buildings there are pathways, some wood, some stone – that lead to hidden shops and gardens far more picturesque than those seen on the actual streets. It’s like a regular little hobbit town, I thought to myself, and even though it was the height of the summer tourist season, I had much of the place to myself.

It was quiet, so quiet, that when the slight whisper of an ocean breeze suddenly seemed to carry echoes of someone reciting Shakespeare, I wondered if I were hallucinating. A few more twists and turns along the path I was following, and I discovered a troupe of actors wearing costumes made from bedsheets and similar materials, rehearsing a scene from A Midsummer Night’s Dream in a lush green garden. I supposed that explained why, a few minutes earlier, I’d encountered a laurel-garlanded Puck strolling nonchalantly down Lansing Street.

Despite Bruce’s enthusiastic recommendation of a bakery in the center of Fort Bragg, I didn’t feel as though I had time to stop there, and besides, it being after 6 pm by now, the town was closing down for the night. I think I know what Bruce likes about Fort Bragg; I’ve always enjoyed its unpretentious and unassuming charms myself. But I’ve also seen it as a junior version of Eureka, a similarly fog-shrouded and timber-dominated town to the north, which was my destination for the night. Considering how far I still had to go, I thought it best to keep driving.

I’d forgotten how precipitous and spectacular the Coast Highway gets north of Fort Bragg, and how slow it could be, even when there’s very little traffic. I passed through Cleone, which failed to make any more of an impression on me than it had the previous hundred times, and Westport, which for no particular reason has always struck me as a cloying, claustrophobic place despite its setting on the ocean shore in the middle of nowhere.

Shortly after Westport is the Branscomb Road, the rugged and only partially paved (at least in my day) shortcut to Laytonville and Highway 101, and having already had my fill of the Coast Highway’s curves and cutbacks, I was tempted to take it. But I wanted to leave Laytonville, my former hometown, for last, so I stuck to the Coast Highway, which joins 101 at Leggett, 21 miles north.

From there it’s a relatively straight shot to Eureka, but there was no way I was going to pass Garberville without stopping. Garberville might not be much to look at in some people’s eyes (Bruce had shared that opinion), but I’d spent many happy hours there, especially during the years when I was doing a radio show on KMUD. Redwood Drive, aka Main Street, is about three blocks long, and there’s a couple more streets to the east of it, creating the feel of an old-fashioned small town that’s missing from many North Coast communities, which tend to follow the ex-urban sprawl model of development, as in string a row of shops and gas stations along the highway so as to make walking anywhere unpleasant if not downright impossible.

The downside of Garberville’s being a very walkable town is that its streets have increasingly become home to increasing numbers of feral young – and not so young – people who’ve generated quite a bit of tension among the usually tolerant locals. Garberville now has something called a Town Square, I discovered – I remember it as a dirt and gravel parking lot, but now it’s nicely if a bit austerely landscaped – but apparently it’s become a bit too popular with what Jane Jacobs used to call the “leisured indigent,” at least judging from what the townspeople are saying about it.

When I went over to investigate, the Square was deserted apart from a trio of elderly tie-dyed hippies; examining them from a distance, I couldn’t tell whether or not they were the sort of clientele the Square was designed to attract. But across the street a female shopkeeper and a couple rough and ready townies were having a spirited discussion about banding together and chasing “those bums” out of town by whatever means necessary.

“If you’re out in the bars tonight,” she admonished the young men, “put the word out. We’re not putting up with this crap anymore, and if it takes some serious ass kicking to get them out of our town, then that’s just what we’re going to have to do.”

The Redwood Times carried letters voicing a similar sentiment, albeit in the more decorous manner you would expect of a print journal. Apparently the Veterans Grove had had to be closed because of the damage being done by transients, and there was a good deal of ill will being generated by the begging and petty theft that has supposedly become a regular feature of life in central Garberville. The first – only, actually – person I passed on Redwood Drive offered a friendly greeting, but before I could finish thinking, “Now that’s something I miss about small town country life,” he followed it up by asking me for a dollar, at which point I quickly reverted to New York mode and breezily told him, “Sorry, buddy!”

Let’s just say Garberville was not looking its best – metaphysically, I mean; physically, it looked as nice as ever – and I didn’t feel inclined to linger, nor even to stop in at Treats or Calico for a coffee or snack. Besides, it was already starting to get dark, and I still had a good little ride ahead of me.

In theory, it shouldn’t take much more than an hour to journey from Garberville to Eureka, but in practice it almost always takes longer, as well it should, since you’re essentially traveling between two different worlds. Well, bioregions, anyway. Southern Humboldt, anchored by Garberville, is mountainous, covered with fir and, in parts, redwood, is much hotter in summer and colder in winter, and without the marijuana trade, would probably dry up and blow away. Northern Humboldt, of which Eureka is the undisputed capital, though Arcata would like to think it stakes a convincing alternative claim, begins when the mountains give way to the coastal plain, when marijuana and logging give way to dairy farms and sawmills, and the temperature is dropped anywhere from 10 to 50 degrees by the near-constant summer fogs that come billowing in from the sea.

On the cusp between the two regions come the twin towns of Scotia and Rio Dell, the former being a picture-perfect and often picturesque company town of the sort that you generally only read about in history books, and the latter being a forlorn and desolate – desperate also comes to mind – shadow of what was once apparently a thriving commercial and cultural center. I rarely pass by Scotia and Rio Dell without taking a quick detour through one or the other, but Scotia, with its neat, almost fussy dimensions and rows of identically matching houses, is best seen by day. Twilight having already fallen with a resounding thud, it seemed the better choice to cruise through the absent heart of Rio Dell and brighten my spirits with the awareness that, barring an unforeseen catastrophe of Olympian proportions, I would never have to live there.

One of my first visits to Rio Dell came in the wake of an earthquake that had wreaked considerable havoc along the main drag. That was something like 15 or 20 years ago, however, and, to be brutally honest, things haven’t measurably improved since. There it sits, sulking and marinating in its misery, defying you to pity or scorn it. Rio Dell just doesn’t care what you think of it, or, one suspects, much else, either.

The precious – and, admittedly, slightly cloying town of Ferndale, steeped in Victorian elegance and stuffiness, is usually worth a look, but not tonight; I sped on to Eureka, looking forward to a quick late night wander around Old Town, a burrito from Amigas, and, at long last, sleep. But first I had to find my hotel. I’d never heard of the joint before, but I’d picked it because it appeared to be situated slightly away from the highway noise that plagues most of the hotels lining the main drags of Fourth and Fifth Streets. Oh, and because according to reviews on Trip Advisor, it was also one of the few Eureka hotels not infested with tweakers and crackheads.

Thanks, however, to Eureka’s system of one-way streets, a few unclear signs, and the heavy mist accumulating on my windshield faster than my barely functioning wipers could clear it away, I completely failed to find the hotel on my first pass through town and found myself most of the way to Arcata before I could find a place to turn around. “I know,” I thought, none too astutely, “I’ll go the rest of the way into Arcata, stop somewhere and look up the address of the hotel in the phone book.”

Okay, laugh at me for being stuck in the 20th century, which is apparently when telephone books were last seen at pay phones. And no, I don’t have one of those fancy cell phones that hooks up to the internet, and I’m not even sure how you dial information (does 411 still work?) from a cell phone. Well, I think I could probably manage it, but I’m not going to pay two bucks or whatever they’re charging these days. So I went driving back to Eureka, and after only three more circumnavigations of the north end of town, found the place I was looking for.

I was the last guest of the night to arrive, and they’d reserved a special room for me: one of the few that overlooked the scenic vista of Highway 101. “I imagine it can get kind of noisy what with all the trucks gearing down as they hit the city limits,” I ventured to the desk clerk. “Oh yes,” she cheerfully replied, “especially around 5 am, when they all start pulling out from the trucking company around the corner.”

By pulling an especially long face, I got her to transfer me to the only remaining room, a wheelchair-accessible one. I felt a little guilty over the possibility that a disabled person might turn up in the middle of the night and be left without a place to lay his head, and also a little fearful that I’d get a 3 am knock on the door asking me to pack up my belongings and move back to an able-bodied room, but all was well, I slept comfortably, and around 10 or 11 am headed downtown to look in on Hank Sims, editor of the North Coast Journal.

The Journal, like the AVA in Mendocino County, is actually thriving these days, so much so that it has just moved into an attractive suite of offices in the heart of Old Town. Hank’s corner office overlooks the plaza and gazebo that used to be the haunt of derelicts and street punks – not always easily distinguishable from each other – but now looks downright respectable, if a bit sparsely populated. Hank assured me that only a few days earlier a thousand or more people had crowded into Old Town for the monthly art walk, making it feel “like a real city.”

We took a stroll down to the waterfront, where I spent a lot of time during my Northern Humboldt days. I was chagrined to find that the floating dock at the foot of F Street was no longer there. A number of other decaying or decrepit buildings, pilings and moorings had also gone missing; in their place was a newly constructed boardwalk (which, I sniffily noted, was composed not of boards, but of concrete cast in the general shape of boards).

Although I honestly thought the waterfront looked nicer as a mostly abandoned ruin, the boardwalk seemed more likely to draw in the sort of tourists that Eureka needs to replace the timber and fishing industries that used to sustain it. Fox News types might decry it – and maybe with some justification – as a “Boardwalk to Nowhere,” as it only goes about two blocks before coming into a dead end at a construction site where, Hank told me, the city was erecting a “Fisherman’s Terminal” that, if all goes well, will serve both as tourist attraction and as a processing center where what’s left of the North Coast fishing fleet can unload its catch. Hopefully this project will be successful, but should it not, Fox News fans will be mightily cheered to learn that it was paid for with federal stimulus dollars.

The Carson Mansion, Eureka.

Then we walked past the iconic Carson Mansion, home of the mysterious invitation-only Ingomar Club, which only recently began admitting women and has long been the subject of scabrous and salacious rumors among the 95% or so of the townspeople who have never been allowed to enter its hallowed precincts. Those who have tell me there’s nothing particularly titillating about it, that if anything, the Ingomar resembles a New World version of the gentlemen’s club to which Bertie Wooster regularly repaired. It’s also worth noting that had the Ingomar boys not purchased the Carson Mansion in 1949, it most likely would have fallen victim to the wrecking ball.

Back in the heart of Old Town, I was cheered to see that the 135-year-old Vance Hotel, one of the largest all-wooden structures in California, had been rescued from a similar fate. When I last visited Eureka, the Vance, painted in a faded, garish purple, was literally falling apart and seemed to have no viable future; now it’s been lovingly restored and repainted and appears to be thriving, as have several other Old Town Buildings. Several others have vanished, however, some under mysterious circumstances: for instance, a preservation battle over three historic buildings that inconveniently stood where the Vance Hotel developers wanted to locate their parking lot fell victim to a fire of undetermined origin. Such fires – you might refer to them as instant urban renewal projects, I suppose – have long been a feature along the Eureka waterfront, much as they have in Fort Bragg, a hundred miles to the south.

Duane Flatmo's mural in the process of being painted. The finished job is even more impressive.

All in all, though, Eureka is looking better and more hopeful than I’ve seen it since, well, since ever, and I shouldn’t forget to mention the new art museum situated in what had been California’s first Carnegie Library (“Before San Francisco,” the lady at the desk informed us), and the Arkley Center for the Performing Arts, with its spectacular Duane Flatmo mural. But by now it was getting late in the day and I had to do a lightning look-in on Arcata if I was to make it to my personal Mecca of Spy Rock Road while it was still daylight.

I met a friend on the Plaza, which looked greener and cleaner than I remembered; even the perennial hippie layabouts and hacky sackers looked as though they’d been given a County-mandated spray wash. We had lunch at Hey Juan, an ersatz Mexican-hippie fusion joint that anywhere but Humboldt would probably be regarded as a crime against burritology, but which I remember fondly and I enjoyed as much as ever (Eureka’s Amigas is its sister establishment, featuring a similar menu with a slightly more hardscrabble clientele). Then it was back to the Plaza by way of a fancy-schmancy organic ice cream parlor situated in what had once been the living room of some old Arcata buddies.

My verdict on Arcata, based on maybe an hour and a half tour: slightly more bourgie than I remember it, but as lovely as ever. With a wave to the upstairs apartment on 10th Street where Green Day played the first show of their first national tour in 1990, I swung out onto Highway 101 and made tracks for Laytonville.

How many hundreds – no, I suppose it must have been thousands – of times did I make that turn off the highway onto the rutted old track of Spy Rock Road? I used to amuse myself by imagining that my car was a plane coming in for a landing, that the sudden jolt as my tires left the tarmac and bit into dirt and gravel was like the landing gear hitting the runway after a long transatlantic flight.

I braced myself for that sensation, but it never came: to my shock, astonishment, and perhaps a little horror, I discovered that Spy Rock Road had been PAVED. It was as though my recurring nightmare was coming to life. Admittedly, it made for more pleasant driving, especially in my brother’s truck, which wasn’t really cut out for mountain roads, but something just didn’t feel right.

Pavement or not, Spy Rock is still steep and winding enough that it has to be taken in second gear, and after a couple miles, the pavement did peter out, only to reappear farther up, this time with actual lane markings! The old fashioned locked gate leading down to one subdivision had been replaced with a sleek new solar-powered model, and the Spy Rock School, flanked by trees and play fields, looked a far cry from its origins as a couple of double wide trailers. Then it was time to leave the county road and head up Iron Peak into the serious backwoods.

Even that road had been improved considerably, but the truck still heaved and bucked and sent up a satisfying cloud of dust in its wake. At the top of the ridge I met up with a couple old friends to admire the sunset. This particular ridge looks out onto the ocean in one direction and all the way to the Yolla Bollys in the other; the only higher point is the now-abandoned lookout tower on Iron Peak itself, which is now no longer accessible, thanks to some yuppies who bought the property below it and threw a gate across the road.

The ridge top is about 4,000 feet (Iron Peak tops out around 4,600), and anyone coming or going from the back side of the mountain has to cross over it. As a result, people would often leave their vehicles parked there when snow was expected, and since the only roads in or out cross there, it has always been the site of impromptu or planned meetings. One of my fonder memories involves spending the night splayed out on the hood of an old pickup truck watching the Perseids meteor shower light up the mountain skies. On many a Tuesday night I’d park up there because it was the only place in the county where I could pick up KPFA in Berkeley and its broadcast of the Maximum Rocknroll radio show.

Tonight’s sunset was especially spectacular, with a crescent moon flanked by a couple of planets trailing close behind the sun as it sank into an orange and crimson cloudbank. Down below – the land fell away sharply from the edge of the road – I saw someone bustling about on his land before hopping on to one of those ubiquitous 4-track bikes and heading up the road in our direction.

“He’s coming to tell us to get off the road,” my friend said, gesturing at some newly placed “No Parking” signs nailed to several fir trees.

“What the…?” I sputtered. “People have been parking up here for at least the last 30 years. How can he tell people they can’t?”

“Well, ask him, because here he comes.”

And sure enough, there he was, maybe in his late 20s or early 30s, most likely tweaked out on coke or speed, judging from the nervous, twitchy way he handled himself, “respectfully requesting” (his words) that we move along and enjoy the view from some vantage point that didn’t overlook his land.

“We’re not on your land; this a public road,” I pointed out, and then immediately regretted my word choice, because of course technically it isn’t; all the roads once you leave Spy Rock are privately owned and maintained by the local Road Association. However, until you get to the locked gates on the back side of the mountain, they’re open to anyone having legitimate business up there. My two friends and I having spent a collective total of some 80 years on that mountain, and one friend having literally grown up just across the road, I figured we had as much right as anyone to be there.

“We’ll be leaving once we’re finished watching the sunset,” I told him, “but as someone who’s had a lot of experience living up here, I might suggest that if you keep trying to chase people away from your land, you’re likely to arouse suspicions.”

“I don’t care,” he said, “I’ve only got 24 plants” (24 being one fewer than the generally understood limit for marijuana growers who wish to be left alone by the authorities).

“I’m not really interested,” I said, “I’m just trying to point out that if you keep making this kind of fuss, sooner or later you’ll run into someone that is. I lived up here for more than 20 years and never once have I seen anyone try to tell someone they couldn’t stop on this road.”

“Well, I lived in Southern Humboldt for 12 years and I’ve got two other grow sites in Brooktrails, so don’t try to tell me about it. Anyway, this isn’t a road, dude. Read your deed. It’s an easement, as in ease on down to where you’re going.”

I could see this dialogue wasn’t going anywhere, and in the process I was missing much of the sunset. Thankfully at that point another car and a motorcycle stopped about a hundred feet away and he went over to remonstrate with them. “Dude, that’s not cool, bro,” I could hear the other car’s driver protest, and that trailed off into a lengthy argument that luckily lasted until the sunset was done and the stars had overtaken the sky.

We walked back to the house shaking our heads about the whole affair, but I found it useful in one regard: in advance of revisiting Spy Rock, I’d been afraid I’d be overcome with remorse at having left, and sure enough, at first I had. All those sights and sounds and smells of the mountains – of all Mendocino and Humboldt Counties, actually – not only brought back memories, but seemed to take on a whole new beauty and wonder. For the many years I lived there, they were routine backdrops to my comings and goings, no more remarkable, it seemed, than the various stores and houses I pass daily as I wander though my neighborhood in Brooklyn.

But now, experiencing them with fresh senses, it became self-evidently obvious to me that I had spent those years living in one of the most amazing places on earth and somehow, except for the occasional epiphany, had utterly failed to notice. “Oh, if only I’d stuck around a little longer,” I caught myself thinking, only to remember, thanks to our encounter with the paranoid speed freak, exactly why I hadn’t.

There’s a part of me that would still like to come back to Mendocino County, maybe a little closer to town this time, maybe where I wouldn’t have to fight a running battle with the elements and where at least some of my neighbors wouldn’t be industrial strength pot growers, but there’s another part of me that recognizes the chances of that happening are slim. If anything, the best thing I could take away from my journey to the old homeland is the vivid reminder to pay attention to and cherish where I am today.

Exploring Staten Island

Exploring Staten Island

I’ve tried my best to think good thoughts about Staten Island, honest I have, even though that puts me in a minority among residents of the other four boroughs, most of whom greet any mention of New York’s most sparsely populated county with a mixture of contempt (“It really belongs in Jersey”), ignorance (“I’ve never been there, except once when we had company from out of town and they made me ride out and back on the ferry”), and bewilderment (“What the hell goes on out there, anyway?”).

Personally, I’ve always liked the idea of having a great big mysterious island to explore, and only a 25 minute boat ride away. My first forays onto Staten Island were back in the 1960s, when the ferry cost a nickel (it’s probably the only thing in this city, certainly as far as public transportation goes, that has gone down in price over the years); like most visitors, whether New Yorkers or tourists, I didn’t venture much beyond St. George, the slightly (but only just) colorful and quaint community abutting the ferry terminal. But in the early summer of 1968, when I was an aberrant flower child squatting in the squalor of the Lower East Side and felt myself fading fast (okay, wilting, for the sake of preserving the metaphor) in the concrete and broken glass garden of the city, I decided that some fresh country air might re-invigorate me. Thus motivated, I marched right through St. George, climbed the hill that rises behind it, and set off boldly and blindly into the interior.

This being long before the days of Google maps, I have no idea where I was, but before long I encountered some open fields, which seemed like a miracle to me at the time considering that I was still (technically, and never mind the naysayers) still in New York City. And then an even bigger miracle: an unpaved dirt road. I swear, it almost made me cry. I would have seriously started singing that “Take Me Home, Country Roads” song except it wouldn’t come out for another couple years, but I did almost lie down in the dust and gravel to commune with Mother Earth.

The name of this bucolic little lane was Alaska Street, and speaking of Google, I can now ascertain that it’s no longer bucolic or unpaved, and that it’s way the hell over near Port Richmond, which of late has been making a name for itself for vicious gang attacks on Mexican immigrants who happen to wander through the area. Not the classiest part of Staten Island, in other words, but trust me; in 1968, Alaska Street looked, at least by Manhattan standards, like a little corner of country heaven.

Although I visited St. George and the immediate vicinity a number of times in the ensuing decades, I never attempted any serious bushwhacking again until 2006, when, beguiled by the prospect of national seashores and beaches and hiking trails that, according to the maps, seemed to line part of the eastern shore, I set out on a semi-successful hiking expedition that you can read about here. And, having just re-read my own account, I’d say “semi-successful” might even be overegging the pudding.

As I noted at the time, I had grown accustomed to hiking as it’s done in England, where cross-country walkers have their “right to roam” enshrined in law, there are reasonably well mapped trails and paths that make it possible to travel almost anywhere in the countryside, and most towns have a railway station where you can catch a train back to civilization when your walking day is through. As I found then, and found again on my latest expedition, Staten Island falls somewhat short of these standards.

In fact, during one of my many harrowing moments of traffic-dodging and cursing the imbecile drivers (who were probably cursing me for being imbecilic enough to travel through their domain on foot), it occurred to me that the entire physical and social structure of Staten Island is arranged so as to deliver a giant fuck you to pedestrians and bicyclists, to anyone, in fact, who doesn’t fully embrace the suburban lifestyle that mandates driving as the sole acceptable means of transportation.

Oh, there are buses, lots of them, and even a rudimentary train line that runs every half hour (sometimes more, sometimes less frequently; it’s timed to coincide with the arrival and departure of the ferries to and from Manhattan), but unless you live right along the route, you’ll probably have to drive to one of the stops. Sidewalks appear and disappear without rhyme or reason, frequently leaving the hapless pedestrian (that would be me) having to either dash through expressway-like traffic to the other side of the road (where, after a quarter or half mile, that sidewalk would disappear, and I’d have to reverse the process) or risk walking on the roadway itself, which, depending on the volume of traffic, could be anywhere from mildly unnerving to downright terrifying.

It wasn’t meant to be this way; I had planned on making most of my hike from St. George on the northern tip to Tottenville on the southwest corner of the island (approximately 17.5 miles) via what looked like, judging from the map, the picturesque hills and open country in the center of the island. Unfortunately, the inhabitants of said picturesque hills had arranged things so that you couldn’t travel far though their precincts without encountering dead ends and cutbacks; eventually I had to bow to reality and do the lion’s share of my walking along the very busy Richmond Road and the appropriately named Arthur Kill (pedants, please save your energy; I know that “kill” actually means stream in old Dutch, but considering how many times my life was put at risk by speeding cars, the modern meaning is more appropriate).

One advantage to this was that I got to see “Historic Richmondtown,” a cluster of semi-well preserved houses and commercial buildings from, gosh, I forget which century. Definitely not the 20th or 21st, so probably either the 18th or 19th. When I got there I was the only person in sight. I don’t know if it was closed (this was about 5:30 pm), or if it’s always closed, but it definitely added to the ambiance, as did the flock of rapacious geese (or somesuch; I’m not good with bird names) who looked inclined to menace me if I crossed onto their side of the street.

My many detours while trying to find a more pleasant cross-country route cost me both time and miles; with only about an hour’s worth of daylight remaining, I calculated that I had at least another five miles to go before I’d reach Tottenville – a place that through a long afternoon’s walking had begun to acquire an almost mythical significance and allure – which, to be fair, would have set it apart from almost every other hamlet on Staten Island, but bear with me: like many travelers, I’ve long had a fascination with last places, where the trail peters out and being interfaces with nothingness or the end gives way to the beginning or some such claptrap. Maybe I just thought the end of Staten Island (and, let’s not forget, New York State) would be synonymous with the end of the rainbow and a pot of gold would await me there.

In any event, I wasn’t sure I could make it there on foot before dark and I was starting to develop some blisters, so I took one final detour to Annadale, home to a station on the somewhat grandiosely named Staten Island Railway (it’s a nice idea; just needs to go a few more places) and sat down to wait for the train to Tottenville. While waiting, I heard the gruff tones of what sounded like grade-Z mobsters on the stairs above me, one guy sounding straight out of The Sopranos as he described various sorts of mayhem he was going to unleash on various sorts of people, interspersed with accounts of his latest jail time and encounters with his parole officer. If you bear in mind that the upper reaches of Staten Island are virtually littered with garish McMansions constructed by actual gangsters of, for example, the Gotti ilk, you might appreciate my concern.

The voices kept getting closer, but very, very slowly, as if their owners were taking one step a minute, and I prayed for the train to arrive before they completed their journey down to the platform and found me sitting completely and utterly alone. (I should mention that while the Staten Island Railway allegedly charges the same $2.25 that every other train and bus in New York City does, in practice it’s a free train, as the only place there’s a turnstile or ticket check point is at the St. George terminal). No such luck, anyway; the gravel-throated thugs finally emerged from the stairwell, only to reveal themselves as several feral 14 year olds, and the one with the loudest and most malevolent voice as the almost comical short, fat kid that seems to hang around every gang and compensates for his lack of a convincing gangbanger profile by being twice as loud and obnoxious as everyone else.

They didn’t kill me, as it turned out, barely acknowledged me, in fact, except to ask rather casually for a light so they could smoke their cigarettes in the no-smoking waiting area (do I look like the kind of doofus who carries around a lighter or matches, I thought but didn’t say). Turned out the young hooligans were riding with me to Tottenville, and while they didn’t seem particularly dangerous, they sure were annoying, so at the next stop I changed cars, only to find them skulking around again when I got off at the end of the line, before they eventually migrated down to the shore to throw rocks into the water and try to murder some birds or turtles.

Meanwhile, I’d come face to face with a blood orange sun as it sank into a chemical haze over Perth Amboy, New Jersey, across the Arthur Kill (yes, they have a waterway as well as a highway by that name, and I suspect it’s equally lethal), and for a moment, at least, Tottenville basked in a golden twilight glow that very nearly did replicate that end of the rainbow, magical mystery woo woo land sort of thing. But once the sun was snuffed out and I took a look around, Tottenville revealed itself as a somewhat decrepit Victorian seaport from which the last ship sailed long ago. A pleasant, shabbily genteel place, to be sure, in which it seemed completely incongruous to encounter police cars and fire engines emblazoned with the logo of New York City.

And with that I boarded the Tottenville Trolley for the long – 45 minutes to go 17 miles? then a wait for the ferry, then a subway uptown and another to Brooklyn – trip back to the actual New York City, vowing to return soon to suss out the true treasures of Staten Island and explore the many uncharted byways I’ve managed to miss so far. You may call me a dreamer – or more likely, a masochist – and apparently I am close to being the only one, but somehow in my heart I know there’s more to the island than the ugly face it shows to eccentric pedestrians. Next trip: a climb up Todt (Death) Hill and a hike through the greenbelt, followed by a promenade along the boardwalk (yes, they have one; they’re not about to be left in the shade by Coney Island or Atlantic City. Staten Island, you may be tough to love, but I’m tougher. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Never mind, the point remains: I’ll be back, so you might as well get used to me.

On Holiday

On Holiday

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies
This is the dawning of the rest of our lives

Somewhere in the summer of 1994, I  picked up the booklet from Green Day’s 1,039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours and read some of the lyrics.

By that time Lookout Records had sold at least a hundred thousand copies of the CD, maybe even two hundred thousand, so you’d think I’d be pretty familiar with it, but I found myself saying, “Hey, these lyrics are pretty good” as though I’d never read them before.

Which, it turned out, I hadn’t.  I’d been singing along to Green Day records and shows for five, almost six years, and except for some of the main riffs and choruses, had no idea what the words were.  How, I wondered, was that possible?

Simple, really.  I’d bellow out the first line or two of the song, such as  “Here we go again, infatuation something-something just when I thought it would something-something,” only in place of the “something-somethings” I’d throw in some oohs and ahs and whoas and ohs, and nobody – myself included – ever noticed the difference.

You’d think that from then I’d make a point of familiarizing myself with the lyrics whenever a new record came out, but you’d be wrong.  From the time I heard it blaring out of a convertible rumbling down the Euston Road on the first glorious spring day of 2005, “Holiday” has been one of my favorite songs.  I’ve been singing along to it ever since, but when I decided I wanted to write something about holidays and thought that maybe the lyrics would provide a good lead-in, I discovered – surprise, surprise – that once again I had not a clue as to what they were.

So all right, I’m kind of an airhead, but now I’ve looked up the lyrics and discovered that yes, they fit quite nicely into my theme.  Which is, roughly speaking, the relationship between work and, well, not working.  With considerably more emphasis on the latter.

As regular readers will have noticed, my output here at larrylivermore.com has been sporadic at best.  I especially feel for those of you who’ve been waiting since January for the next installment of Spy Rock Memories (I mean, yes, I’m frustrated, too, but at least I have the advantage of already knowing how it comes out).  And my novel, which was just rocketing along last summer, has been gathering dust (cyber-dust, anyway) ever since.  Not to put too fine a point on it, but it seems my work ethic has been weighed in the balance and found wanting.

It’s not for lack of trying, at least if “trying” can be defined as forcing oneself to sit in front of the computer for several hours each day while searching out every conceivable means of avoiding any actual writing.  But even that’s not true: I probably do churn out at least one or two thousand words a day, a creditable total by many standards, but unfortunately most of them take the form of inane arguments and diatribes on Facebook or the PPMB.  I have no trouble crafting artful replies and dissents to every crackpot opinion I encounter on the internet, but when it comes to the work that I’ve decided is truly important to me, scarcely a word seems to get written.

Perhaps the operative words here are “I’ve decided.”  More than a few people, on hearing me make excuses or turn down invitations because “I have to work,” have asked, “Why?  Is someone paying you?  Are you on some kind of deadline?”  And I have to acknowledge that, no, most of the time I have no obligations at all other than self-imposed ones, and those are precisely the ones I always seem to be falling short on.

It’s been over 13 years now since I left what was at the time a very successful and highly profitable place at Lookout Records in order to pursue “my own” projects.  I felt I’d done enough to help other people get their art out to the public and that now it was my turn.  It was a poorly thought out decision on a variety of fronts as it turned out, but it did leave me with a lot of time on my hands, time I had expected to fill with writing books and playing music.

It’s not as though I didn’t do any of that – I finished one book-length manuscript and started a couple others – but compared with what I had accomplished in previous years when I was building the record label AND publishing a magazine AND getting a degree from Berkeley, my output has been distinctly underwhelming.  In fact, I can get pretty hard on myself, some days expending more energy on calling myself a lazy bum than it would have taken to do some actual work.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago: I’d spent another two days plopped down in front of the computer without a single word to show for it.  Two more gloriously sunny days slipping past my window, two more days of the summer I’d been looking forward to for so long and which now seemed to be passing in my absence.  I thought back to when I was a schoolboy counting down the days till summer vacation, and the unrelenting joy with which I went rocketing out into the world when the bell rang for the final time .

It would only be ten weeks until school resumed in September, but at that age ten weeks was an eternity.  There would be days, ever so many of them, for hanging around at the creek, for long, meandering bike rides, for building forts in the woods, for trips downtown and to the beach, and even when all that was done, still more days for simply lounging around reading comic books or staring at the sky.  Even the occasional parental request to cut the grass or clean the basement could be indulged because, really, there would be so much time that I might even run out of things to fill it with.

This illusion began to vanish as I got older: summers meant tedious minimum wage jobs so I could save money for the college I wasn’t sure I wanted to attend anyway.  And when at 18 I found myself working year round at the auto plant with what looked like no respite in sight until I turned 65, I was overwhelmed with bitterness at the cruel hand life seemed to have dealt me.

My grim forebodings at 18 turned out to be as misplaced as my childish anticipation a few years earlier: my stints in the auto factories and steel mills were short-lived; in fact, from age 22 onwards, I never again worked for anyone other than myself, and despite some setbacks and one or two bouts of homelessness, did well enough that I was able to contemplate retirement before I was 50.  Hallelujah, right?  I mean, that’s got to be exhilarating to look ahead to the rest of your life with the knowledge that you’ll never have to go to work again if you don’t want to.

But I never got the exhilaration, and never stopped feeling as though I needed to work.  Money wasn’t an issue, and though it’s become more of one now, thanks to the recession and bad luck/poor management on my part, it’s still not a big deal.  If I’m willing to make sufficient economies and provided Social Security doesn’t go bankrupt, I might be able to get by for the rest of my life (provided science doesn’t become too much more successful at extending life spans).

So why work?  Even more to the point, why make myself miserable over the work I’m not doing?  Catholic guilt, perhaps?  The psychological legacy of two working class parents who’d been hit with the double whammy of the Great Depression and the Second World War?  The persistent notion, however misbegotten, that I have something of vital importance to say to the world?  All three are factors, I suspect, but as time marches on, their motive force begins to dwindle.

At any rate, I finally reached what felt like a breaking point, where I found myself ready to say the hell with everything.  On second thought, that sounds a little, shall we say, negative?  What I really felt like was that kid who couldn’t wait for school to get out on the last day before summer vacation.  Or, more to the point, that’s what I wanted to feel like again.  I was ready, I decided, to go on holiday for the rest of my life.

It wasn’t as though I was giving up writing or music or any other of my projects, I reasoned, just that I no longer had to consider myself a failure if I didn’t do them.  If I felt like writing something, or playing a tune, or, for that matter, climbing Mt. Everest, there was nothing stopping me from doing so.  But in the meantime, I would devote myself to doing exactly what I wanted, nothing more and nothing less.

Easier said than done, it turns out.  Many of the appealing aspects of my childhood summers no longer hold the same allure, even if there were a crawdad-catching creek down at the end of my block, and while I still enjoy long bike rides, they’re not quite the same without that kidlike conviction that something fascinating, wonderful, or terrifying is most likely waiting around every corner.

I asked myself what I would do if tomorrow were a day in which I was free to do whatever I wanted, and then got up the next morning and walked to Queens.  Yes, pretty prosaic, I reckon, if not downright pathetic (and no slight intended to the fine people of Queens, either), but it’s what I wanted to do.  I walked right out Greenpoint Avenue until I got to Sunnyside, where I stopped at the Passalacqua Pizzeria (Green Day fans will recognize the connection, though they spell it with one less “s”), then kept on into Woodside, Jackson Heights (a place I can never think of, let alone visit, without hearing the refrain about the traffic jam from “Car 54, Where Are You?”), Elmhurst, and Corona.

During most of this jaunt I followed Roosevelt Avenue, which turned out to be fascinating and wonderful, though not especially terrifying.  I was astounded at how much (most of it, actually) I’d never seen before, and how, for the price of a subway ride (or in my case, for no charge at all) one could simultaneously visit half a dozen Latin American, Asian and Middle Eastern countries.  When I described my adventures to a friend later that night, he said that Roosevelt Avenue always put him in mind of the Interzone envisioned by William Burroughs.

I hadn’t had any destination in mind when I started out, intending simply to cover as much of Queens as I could before returning to the city for a meeting, but the more ground I covered, the more it seemed like a good idea to walk right out to Flushing, a place where I hadn’t spent any significant amount of time since the 1964 World’s Fair.  Unfortunately, I’d got too late a start on this expedition, and only made it to Citifield, the Mets’ new-ish stadium before hopping onto a 7 train and gliding back into Manhattan.

And what did I learn?  Well, that Queens is an even more exotic place than I had suspected, that it’s not only possible, but enjoyable, to cover great swathes of the city on foot, and that going on permanent holiday is not as easy as it seems.

Because before I’d even completed the first half mile of my journey, my mind was already calculating what I was going to write about it when I got home, and I was sorely tempted to abandon the walk then and there so that I could rush back and get started.  However, the fact that at least two – or is it three? – weeks have since elapsed should make it clear that I successfully resisted any such impulses.

I’d like to tell you that I’ve been on a dozen more outings since then, but such is not the case.  I finally made it to the fabled Isle of Staten the other day, and I seem to recall bumbling around one park or another on some sultry summer evening, but apart from that, I’ve continued to have trouble prising myself away from the computer, or, having reconciled myself to sitting there, to put it to any constructive use.  Maybe I should clean the house, I think, or at least sort out this rat pile of debris and mementos cascading across my desk top.  It’s not surprising your mind is a disorderly premise, I tell myself, considering that you insist on inhabiting one.

Maybe a trip to the gym, or a quick jog across the Williamsburg Bridge and back would whip me into shape?  But then comes this news, that no matter how much exercise you do and how healthily you live, sitting in front of a computer will kill you anyway, or at least turn you into a paunchy schlump.  With that in mind, let’s review: on my to-do list, in addition to cleaning and fixing up the apartment, running, biking, working out at the gym and doing t’ai chi, getting my financial affairs in order, visiting my mother and finding some sense of purpose in life, the computer is also waiting impatiently on one novel, one memoir (actually, make that two), four blog posts, two interviews, and a small infinity of Twitter updates (I really don’t have anything to say, but I’ve somehow acquired 610 followers who I feel I’m letting down on a daily basis).

Oh, and play the piano and practice my guitar and singing, and maybe, just maybe, finally get around to writing a few new songs or at least finishing the ones I started 10 or 15 years ago.  Did I mention the possibility of reading a book?  It’s all I can do to keep up with the New Yorker and the Anderson Valley Advertiser.  Tomorrow I’ll wake up early and start getting caught up on some of this stuff, I swear.  On second thought, to hell with it.  I’m going to the beach.

O, Laytonville!

O, Laytonville!

“Hey,” my nephew said, “that place you used to live is in the newspaper.”

And so it was; in a lengthy SF Weekly piece about the mishmash of conflicting regulations and practices regarding marijuana and how they might be affected by this November’s statewide referendum on its legalization, my lovely old Laytonville loomed large.

True to form, the story offered everything one might have come to expect of Laytonville: tie dyes, aging hippies, cranky opinions, hot, dusty roads cordoned off by locked gates and paranoia, the promise of untold riches dangling against a backdrop of hardscrabble poverty, and, of course marijuana. Lots and lots and lots of marijuana.

Laytonville, never an easy town to love, has an softer image these days, perhaps not only because of the perennial cannabis haze in which it basks. It was not always thus: when I arrived at the end of the 1970s, it looked like nothing more than an unkempt aggregation of gas stations, motels, stores, churches and a single bar strung along a low-lying stretch of Highway 101 and baking miserably in the unforgiving sun. Population 991, said the sign at one end of town and 1,018 at the other; nobody knew for sure which it was, and how could they, since nobody had any idea where “Laytonville” actually began and ended?

It wasn’t a real town at all, in that it had no local government or elected officials. You might say it was more a state of mind than an actual physical place, yet there was no doubt in people’s minds as to whether they lived “in town” or “up in the hills,” the latter being where the majority of the local population, soon to include me, made its home. In those days, there was much more of a divide between the hill people and the town people, or hippies and rednecks as they were more simplistically categorized; since that time, as the area has grown rich from marijuana and the urban incomers have taken on country ways, most such lines have vanished.

With logging and ranching all but extinct as viable economic activities, and tourism never likely to become the major factor it is in more scenic and temperate coastal Mendocino County, marijuana has become the one and only rising tide to lift all local boats. Shopkeepers and businessmen who once turned their noses up at longhairs and hippies could never afford to do so nowadays. In fact, as the SF Weekly article makes clear, longhairs and hippies (at least the ones bringing in the big bucks through growing) are becoming the establishment. The idea of two tie-dyed Deadheads hobnobbing with the Sheriff about the size of their annual harvest still seems more than slightly surreal to me, having spent my own Laytonville years at a time when the sight of anything resembling an official vehicle on Spy Rock Road would send waves of panic juddering across the canyons.

Now they’re inviting the Sheriff to come up and inspect their marijuana patches? Well, times do change, but I never could have imagined so quickly and so dramatically. All this came about thanks to the very clever wheeze known as “medical marijuana,” which overnight magically turned thousands of marijuana growers and dealers into “providers” to the sick and suffering. I don’t wish to be entirely cynical, but just as I have yet to encounter a single “patient” whose primary purpose for obtaining marijuana wasn’t to get stoned out of his or her gourd, it also never occurred to me that the principal driving force of the medical marijuana movement was anything other than getting the camel’s nose of legalization into the tent of public policy.

Now, apparently, it may be about to happen. My guess is that Proposition 19 on this year’s California ballot will be narrowly voted down, but that it’s only a matter of time before a better-drafted version comes along and wins approval. The Anderson Valley Advertiser’s ever-reliable Mark Scaramella compiles a laundry list of what’s wrong with what he only half-jokingly refers to as Prop 420: the gist being that it’s so poorly thought out and written that, rather than finally imposing some sort of order on the increasingly troublesome and violent pot trade, it will only set off a free-for-all that will dwarf the Gold Rush/Wild West situation spawned by the semi-legalization “medical marijuana” scam.

The big selling point touted by legalization advocates is the tax revenue state and local authorities stand to gain coupled with the savings from no longer having to arrest and prosecute growers and dealers, but as Scaramella correctly points out, the new law puts forth few substantive proposals for how this tax money would actually be generated, and at any rate, the true fanatics of the marijuana movement appear to be unalterably opposed to any government regulation or taxation of their sacred herb, er, “medicine.”

Given that the average 20-acre parcel in the hills above Laytonville could easily produce a ton or so of weed annually, and that with prices already plummeting as a result of the current semi-legalization, it’s hard to believe that further liberalization of pot laws will result in anything other than a massive increase in growing along with its attendant problems. Such as? Well, put it this way: in the 20+ years that I had a home in the Mendocino County hills, “home invasions” were something that happened down in the dicier precincts of Los Angeles or Oakland, not the leafy backroads of Spy Rock and Iron Peak.

To be fair, the handful of people I know who still live up there have had no such experiences, and life for them has continued at more or less the same relaxed pace it always has. But they’re small-scale growers, or don’t grow at all. Even when I left Spy Rock for the last time in 2004, I couldn’t help noticing a distinct change of climate. There was the proliferation of locked gates, for example, not just on people’s driveways, but even across the roads themselves. If you weren’t immediately recognizable – and being only an occasional visitor during those last few years, I wasn’t – you’d get the ice-cold stink eye from the big-time growers as they careened past in their high-powered SUVs.

I’m sure there’s still a lot of neighborliness, sure that passing cars still stop at the crossroads or the ridge top for hour-long conversations about the weather, the crops, and who ran off with whose wife, but that a lot has also been lost as marijuana went from being a lucrative sideline to big business to being pretty much the only business in town. Yes, I still miss those hills tremendously, even miss the long trips to town, the visits to Geiger’s General Store and Bill Bailey’s logging supplies HQ, but I don’t know if I could ever live there again.

Even though by some standards I could be aligned with them (I’d prefer not, but there’s no denying the demographics), I can’t help observing that the hippies who first trickled, then flooded into the Emerald Triangle have transformed the region almost as rapidly and irrevocably as did the white European settlers who displaced the original occupants. Was it all for the bad? No, of course not; 30 years ago your chances of dining on anything more exotic or healthy that a Loggerburger at the Laytonville Inn were slim to none, and the area, despite its undeniable charms, bore the equally undeniable trappings of a rural slum. Had it not been for the marijuana pioneers, Laytonville and environs, now stripped of their forest resources, would most likely resemble a ruined Appalachian community after the strip miners had come and gone.

Now they’re envisioning the area, post-legalization, anyway, as a marijuana-oriented counterpart to the Wine Country. Supposedly tourists will come to sample the exotic varieties of weed developed by local horticulturists, and stay to spend their big city bucks in pot-themed restaurants, shops and B&Bs. Sounds like an absolute nightmare to me, while at the same time my more avaricious side can’t help calculating how much I might have profited by hanging onto my 40 acres of prime Marijuana Country property.

But mostly I’m feeling nostalgic and sad about good old Laytonville, a town I once found hard to like but learned to love, a town that soon will bear little resemblance to the glorified stagecoach stop it managed to remain from the 19th century through most of the 20th. It may never become another Napa or Sonoma – perhaps the Yountville of the North County, or, setting its sights extremely high, the new Boonville – but never again the poky little place that – admittedly after considerable resistance – took me in and welcomed me as one of its own.

The Gaza Fest

The Gaza Fest

For the first time ever I seriously considered not going to this year’s Insubordination Fest in Baltimore, but having my nephew Jackson here for the month quickly put a stop to any such notion.

Jackson went to his first Fest last summer, and for some reason couldn’t stop talking about wanting to go back again. Maybe something about the opportunity to spend three days running around in a nonstop barrage of noise, music, laughter and chaos has a certain appeal to young teenagers? Not that I’d know, never having had kids of my own, and it having been so long ago that I myself was a young teenager that I have absolutely zero recollection of what it was like.

I did have reasons for not wanting to go, the first being that the previous four Fests were all so incredibly awesome that I didn’t want to risk attending one that might not live up to its predecessors (my reasoning, sound or not, being that the Fest couldn’t keep getting better indefinitely). Secondly, after all of the “drop-dead” headliners being considered for this year’s Fest fell through (I won’t name any names, since there’s always a possibility that one or more of them will be able to play in a future year), I got discouraged, thinking that after the sterling lineups we’ve had in the past – each year’s even more astounding than the year before – Fest 2010 was in real danger of being a letdown. Lastly, quite a few people I knew and liked weren’t attending, some because of financial reasons or because it was simply too far to travel; others because, well, they just couldn’t be bothered, or there weren’t enough bands they liked, or they were getting too “grown up” for such nonsense. One prematurely middle-aged young lady actually chose this weekend to make a pilgrimage to Graceland, the sort of thing that I would have thought appealed mainly to people even older than me.

One problem is that the Fest has been such a runaway success that a host of copycat fests have sprung up around the country, allowing both bands and fans to pick and choose among them. When the Fest started in 2006, it provided an opportunity to see a selection of bands that were seldom if ever gathered together at the same place and time, but increasingly during the last couple years, I’ve heard people saying things like, “Why bother going all the way to Baltimore when I can see the same bands in _____ (insert home town here)?”

What they’re not getting is that while bands are the most salient feature of the Fest, they’re far from the most important one. You can see bands on almost any given night in any given town in America; the Insubordination Fest is more like a family reunion (I know, I know, the Juggalos say that about their shindig, too, but trust me, it’s not quite the same thing).

Although the first official Fest was in 2006, many trace its real origins to a Gamma Rays show in 2005. Never heard of the Gamma Rays? You and 300 million other Americans; they were a good, even excellent band, but probably numbered their fans in the hundreds rather than thousands. If that. But when they announced they were breaking up and would be playing their last show in Baltimore, a bunch of friends, many of them from New York and New Jersey and linked up by the Pop Punk Message Board (PPMB), decided to make a pilgrimage to see the lads off in style.

I was living in London at the time and missed this event, but people who were there still rave about the camaraderie and the sense that this was something more than just another pop punk show (the genre of pop punk itself was not widely recognized or highly regarded at the time, so its devotées had an understandable tendency to cluster together with an ever-so-slight us-against-the-misunderstanding-world chip on their shoulder).

The following year marked the 10th anniversary of Insubordination Records, one of the few labels specializing in pop-punk. At least partially inspired by the residual warm glow of the last Gamma Rays show, its owners decided to put on a mini-fest of bands from the label along with a few others that specialized in the same style of music. There was very little money involved, and the Fest, such as it was, took place entirely in two bars, one tiny, the other even tinier, on the barely-traveled streets (especially after dark) of downtown Baltimore.

One of the advantages of having your Fest in what could pass for a set on The Wire (Fest-goers in subsequent years often sighted film crews shooting scenes for that show) is that a) it’s cheap; and b) nobody cares too much about what you do or how you carry on. The same crowd that if gathered on a sidewalk in New York City might have elicited a visit from the riot squad barely attracted a glance from the local authorities in Baltimore.

Cristy Road looking red hot with the Homewreckers.

Anyway, long story short: the 200 or so attendees at the first Fest (half were in bands; the other half bought tickets that sold out almost instantly and never went on sale to the general public, by way of the PPMB) experienced a dual-pronged epiphany consisting of a) “Wow, these obscure bands that only a handful of us know about are not only really good, they’re better than almost anything else that’s going on today!” and b) “Wow, it’s not just the bands; we really like each other, too!”

And so it grew. And grew. From the Sidebar (capacity 200, shoehorn not included) to the Ottobar (600, more or less) to Sonar (1400+). People drove, bused and flew in from all over the United States and Canada and half a dozen other countries as well. Many of us even came to, well, maybe not quite love, but at least appreciate Baltimore itself, whereas during the first Fest, some of the New Yorkers who were too young to remember that city’s bad old days were visibly angered and frightened by the raw and anarchic edge of crime-ridden Charm City (yes, that really is Baltimore’s nickname, and the locals really do call you “Honey” or “Hon” at every opportunity).

But as I was saying, I was almost ready for a break this year until Jackson laid down the law and informed me that we were going, and once that was settled, I was as excited as ever. I’ll have to be honest and admit that with each passing Fest I watch fewer bands and spend more time chilling on the grass across the street or wandering back and forth from the hotel while stopping to share stories and attitudes with new and old friends from all over, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I could kick myself over some of the bands I’ve missed these past three years, but at the same time I’ve witnessed enough transcendent performances to last me well into my next lifetime.

That being said, why not get the band stuff out of the way right now: this year I saw approximately 10 bands play (out of 70!), but my luck (or prescience) was stunning, because nearly all of them ranged from excellent to incredible. As per general consensus, the Fest was “won” by Ohio’s Dopamines (for what many feel was the second straight year), but it would be hard to argue that the Copyrights and Dear Landlord weren’t right there on the same page.

The Dopamines on their way toward winning the Fest

Thanks to the World Cup, I missed Be My Doppelganger, but have it on good authority that they too were among the weekend’s stars; I didn’t, however, miss Vancouver’s Hextalls, and how this band has managed to avoid being wildly popular, I just don’t understand (perhaps the fact that they tend to play about once a year?). They were sensational, and a band that can make that much of an impression on me even when I’m almost totally unfamiliar with their music generally has to have something really special going on.

The Max Levine Ensemble seem to be growing up a little, and I use that term advisedly, since their whole audience and ambiance has always been so much about “the kids.” Some of their new songs seem to be mining darker, more mordant territory; the one that sticks with me most is “We Are Romans,” a melancholy meditation on being citizens of a declining empire.

No one is likely to accuse Canada’s Hamiltons (or, as they are often known, “Canada’s Ramones”) of being overly serious. Unless you’re talking about seriously awesome, that is. A couple Fest-goers wondered naively about a certain mysterious resemblance between the Hamiltons and New Jersey’s now-defunct Ergs, but as someone astutely pointed out, the Hamiltons have been around for decades longer than the Ergs, and are still much better looking.

Then there were The Steinways. What’s that, you say? Broken up? Played their last show quite a while ago? Barely speaking to one another? Well, some or all of this may be true, but nonetheless, a promised appearance by Barrakuda McMurder suddenly and without warning gave way to a resurrection of Astoria’s favorite zombie band, and while they might have been a tad bit rusty on the technical end of things (not really; they practiced at least once before the show, I hear), they sent the crowd into paroxysms of ecstasy by their mere appearance on the stage.

The music was pretty good, too. Actually, it was incredible, and I think for many people was enough by itself to make the trip to Baltimore worthwhile. Not quite so enjoyable were Michelle Shirelle’s slightly sozzled antics. Her off-kilter Gracie Allen-style remarks and musings have always been a highlight of Steinways shows, but this time they kind of degenerated into a series of random verbal and physical assaults on singer/guitarist Grath Madden, who for once was himself behaving almost impeccably.

Michelle Shirelle takes a break from harassing Grath to get airborne on the bass. Grath takes advantage of the opportunity to steady his nerves. Photo by Marc Gaertner

Granted, almost everybody who knows him has probably felt the impulse to harass or publicly humiliate Grath at one time or another, but you know, too much of a good thing can be worse than none at all! Still, only a minor fly in the otherwise sublime ointment of a sterling Steinways reunion show.

Oh, actually, there was one other minor irritant, too, in the form of stage divers, frequently of the obese sort, landing repeatedly on people’s heads and emphasizing that fact with an unfortunately-placed boot or two. I long ago stopped trying to catch stage divers unless they were the considerate type – i.e., not too fat and willing to flow with the crowd rather than attack it. Otherwise, they can land flat on their faces for all I care.

After being kicked in the head a few times, I began – much to their frustration – actively guiding stage divers downward, if necessary doing a pretzel twist on their legs that stopped them going anywhere else. Then, after receiving a particularly hefty thump on the back of the head, I recognized the offender as someone who’d been making people miserable all weekend with his manic and violent pit antics.

“That does it,” I said, grabbing him by the nearest available appendage, which turned out to be his longish hippie hair, and slamming him into the ground. It was not a pre-meditated gesture; if I’d stopped to think about it even for a second, I wouldn’t have done it, because the poor kid could have been seriously injured. Not to mention that he was half my age and a lot bigger than me, meaning that I could have been seriously injured. As it was, though, he picked himself up and ran out of the room with a terrified look on his face. I suddenly felt sorry for him, even after being congratulated by several others for dishing out this rough justice. I don’t think I’m cut out for the enforcer role.

The aforementioned World Cup (featuring the ignominious exits of both teams I was supporting) and bad timekeeping on my part caused me to miss any number of other great bands; two that I especially regret not seeing were The Pillowfights and the sensational Night Birds. And I regret even more not seeing or at least not seeing as much as I’d have liked of many of my friends. But that wasn’t, as it turned out, entirely my fault; while the music and the people were as excellent as ever, this year’s Fest took a turn toward the nasty on Saturday, and despite its overall success, has left a bad taste in the mouth of many attendees.

The problem originated with Sonar’s owner, a fellow by the name of Dan McIntosh, who for reasons known only to himself (and possibly his analyst), decided to undermine and undercut the Fest to the point where not only did he intrude greatly on people’s enjoyment, but also managed to give his business a permanent black eye while simultaneously wiping out most of the profits he should have made.

In a poorly thought out moneymaking scheme, he nixed without warning a traditional promotion co-sponsored by Pabst and the Fest that provided discounted beer (which has always resulted in near record-breaking sales) and bumped the beer price up by $2. The pop punkers reacted exactly the way any Economics 101 student could have predicted: they did their drinking elsewhere, and beer sales tanked. The following day, Fest-ers were greeting with a hand-lettered sign announcing “No re-entry,” i.e., if you left the building for a break, a meal, a stroll around the block, that was it. You couldn’t come back in again.

Bear in mind that we’re talking about a 12+ hour show, and one which people have always been free to come and go from. In fact, one of the fondest memories most people have of the Fest is sitting on the grass across the street with their friends as the sun goes down on a steamy Baltimore night. Because, face it, no matter how much you love music, 12 nonstop hours of it is a bit much for anyone. And because people always had the option of stepping outside to give their ears or brains a rest, the Fest is structured so that there are bands playing constantly on three different stages indoors, with no place to sit down, no place where it’s possible to have a non-shouted conversation.

I personally was fortunate enough to have a wristband that allowed me to come and go as I pleased, and since I don’t drink, the higher beer prices had no impact on me. But the sudden change of policy put a huge damper on the Fest nonetheless, not least because most of my friends were trapped inside, where socializing – at least beyond the “How’s it going?” level – was almost impossible. There was not even a fresh air option, because the only outdoor areas people had access to were a little corral in front of the club, and the alley alongside it. Both were designated smoking areas, and the alley, lined on both sides by three-story walls, was also superheated (above and beyond the ambient temperature of 90+ degrees) by the club’s air conditioning exhaust vents.

One astute observer (oh wait, that was me!) likened the whole business to Woodstock being conducted in Stalag 13 (that’s the Hogan’s Heroes POW camp, for you young readers), but on further reflection, but I think it could equally well be dubbed the Gaza Fest, based on the way the owner penned everyone into an area that was completely ill-equipped to deal with a captive audience of that size and then acted surprised when the inmates grew sullen and restive.

Nephew Jackson, one of the ringleaders of Operation Poland Spring, relaxes atop the crowd.

Okay, I know it’s kind of poor taste to compare someone’s Fest experience being ruined to the ongoing privations and sufferings endured by the inhabitants of the real Gaza – for one thing, Fest-goers always had the option to leave, they just couldn’t come back again without buying another $30 ticket, and I’m pretty sure that nobody got shot or blown up – but in a world that sees nothing wrong with sitcoms about Nazi POW camps, I think I should be allowed a little hyperbole.

Frankly, what angers me most is not the Sonar owner’s ineptitude and dishonesty, but the fact that it was so pointless, that it accomplished nothing other than a perfect lose-lose situation. Apart from the music, which was excellent as always, Saturday’s Fest was effectively ruined for the attendees, but it was also a disaster for the club. For most of the day, the bars, usually a hotbed of activity, were deserted. For bar staff, who rely on tips for most of their income, it must have been a disaster, and the club itself must have taken a multi-thousand dollar hit in lost alcohol sales.

What’s more, the Sonar owner clearly didn’t recognize that he wasn’t dealing with a typically obtuse rock and roll audience: among the Fest-goers were lawyers, teachers, nurses, engineers, i.e., people who are not used to being treated in this fashion, and who are literate and intelligent enough to do something about it. Negative reviews quickly lopped a couple stars off Sonar’s rating on Google, and a letter-writing campaign to public officials about Sonar’s apparently illegal refusal to provide free drinking water to patrons (in an attempt, as the owner put it, to “upsell” $3 and $4 bottled waters, leading in turn, to a hilarious Hogan’s Heroes-style – “Operation Poland Spring” – operation, which involved hundreds of free bottles of water being smuggled into the club via guitar cases and the like) could well lead to further trouble for the hapless club owner. A civil suit for breach of contract is not out of the question.

Oh well. It was the first time something seriously went wrong with the Fest (the power blackout in 2007 was a serious annoyance, but was confronted with the sort of Blitz spirit (in that case the club owners and Fest organizers cooperated to overcome the difficulties) that made it more of an adventure than a setback, and hopefully the lesson has been learned never to deal with Dan McIntosh and/or Sonar again. The Fest will be back next year in a different venue, and, I suspect, better than ever.

Travels With My Nephew

Travels With My Nephew

Teenagers often get a bad rap, and to be fair, they often deserve one. Not so with my nephew Jackson, who at 14 is practically the best travel companion I could hope for. Yes, he occasionally (very occasionally, it must be said) makes mistakes or creates difficulties, but unlike most people, adults or children, it’s almost never necessary to argue or fight with him about it: a simple request will elicit an apology and an even greater effort to be helpful and agreeable.

We’ve been traveling for two weeks now, and although it will be good to get back to my own apartment tonight, it’s been an almost completely enjoyable and stress-free fortnight. We were going to continue the trip on up into New England and Canada, but right now we’re both thinking that it might be better to kick back for a while in quiet and relaxing old New York, with maybe a side trip to Philadelphia or up the Hudson River Valley and a day hike across (don’t laugh) Staten Island.

Our first stop was London; it was the third summer in a row we’ve gone there, and we probably would have gone somewhere else for a change (Rome and Iceland were the possibilities being bandied about) if it weren’t for Green Day playing their first show ever at Wembley Stadium, something I had decided months back that I’d really like to see, and about which Jackson was similarly enthusiastic.

Exotic Brighton.

For my third consecutive time in London, the weather was cold and almost but not quite abysmal, but London’s almost always a wonderful place to be, even in mid-winter (which, except for the long days and fleetingly brief nights, it sometimes felt like this June). Put it this way: the Wembley Stadium gig was not exactly a day out in the sun; I ended up wearing both a hoodie and a jacket and didn’t feel as though I were overdressed.

I must admit that at least part of my motivation was to see if the new Wembley Stadium is as striking from the inside as from the outside, and I can now report that it is; next step, of course will be to find an English football team worthy of playing in it. Green Day on the other hand, were entirely up to the task, giving a performance that rivaled though might not have surpassed the one they delivered at the Milton Keynes Bowl in 2005, the one that was immortalized by the Bullet In A Bible DVD (I actually don’t know this for sure, as I wasn’t there and have only seen parts of BIAB, but this is what my intuition tells me).

Jackson had a fine time jumping around up in front of the stage, but I held back and paid more attention to the crowd and the overall spectacle of the affair. Afterward we went backstage to some sort of “VIP” room, which (bear in mind that we’re dealing with a sports stadium built primarily out of concrete) was made semi-luxurious by hanging up a bunch of black velvet drapes, and where a bunch of mostly older people dressed up in suits and the like were hanging out. Then we went into another room made up of yet more black velvet drapes to visit with Green Day and friends. American Idiot director and co-writer Michael Mayer was there, celebrating his ___th birthday (I know but I’m not telling!), a birthday shared (two cakes, both outstanding!) with tour manager Bill Schneider.

I was introduced to Joan Jett, who turned out to be extremely pleasant and soft-spoken, not to mention almost tiny (somehow I always thought of her as towering over me), and Tre tried to goad me into telling the story of the first and only time I’d seen her perform. Unfortunately (or perhaps not), I completely blanked, and insisted that I’d never seen the Runaways or Joan Jett before. Tre looked disappointed, and later that night when I was falling asleep, I remembered why: back when were in the Lookouts, I’d told him how when Joan Jett came to Ann Arbor on her first tour as a solo artist, a bunch of us had mercilessly heckled her.

Billie Joe with Joan Jett backstage at Wembley.

In our defense, if there is one, the situation was that it was a show featuring some of our friends’ bands that Joan Jett had gotten added onto, and as a result, our friends’ bands had their sets cut short to allow her more time to play. Our attitude was that we didn’t know or care who this out-of-town band was, and, adding insult to injury, we’d been kicked out of the dressing rooms where we normally hung out and held court.  On top of that, we didn’t like her manager, who came blustering in like some suede-jacketed Hollywood type.

Nonetheless, there was no excuse for the rude things we yelled at her during her set (except maybe that it was like, 1981, and we were a lot younger and didn’t know any better). I decided that if the story came up again the next time I met her, I would profusely apologize, but as it turned out, while Jackson and I watched her perform at the next Green Day show, we missed seeing her backstage, so Joan, if you’re reading this, sorry. I was a callow youth back then, and you didn’t deserve our abuse. On the other hand, you got to be a big rock star and we didn’t, so she who laughs last, etc.

In between Green Day shows, we took a train up to Glasgow and then a rental car up to Inverness, traveling by way of some of the most spectacular scenery on God’s green earth, including loads of lochs and mountains and giant rocks plunked down in the middle of places where you wouldn’t normally expect them to be. Inverness being up near the top of Scotland and it being midsummer day, it was light out until after midnight, and started getting light again not long after 2 am, which didn’t provide ideal conditions for sleeping, but otherwise, all was wonderful.

A shop window in Inverness.

I wasn’t totally keen on driving back down to Glasgow the next day for another Green Day show, thinking that it would probably be fairly low key compared with Wembley, but Jackson was solidly in favor (easy enough for him, of course, since he’s not yet old enough to drive). The scenery was not nearly as spectacular on this route, and the traffic mildly horrendous, but the Green Day show itself turned out to be pretty enjoyable, in that it was in a boxlike exhibition hall (the SECC) that had a bit of the feeling of an old school warehouse show, and, holding only 10 or 12 thousand people, was downright intimate by Green Day standards.

Another highlight was the enthusiasm of the Scots, who tend to be far more demonstrative than the English, and sing A LOT louder. Billie goaded them like a toreador with a Scottish flag that he whipped round the stage, and with assurances that Scotland was self-evidently superior to England. Transparent tactics, to be sure, but they worked like a charm.

We barely got a chance to say hi to the band afterward, as they weren’t feeling their best (poor Tre had an outsized tummy-ache) and had to jump on a plane for Ireland almost immediately, so instead we socialized with an unusual and disparate crew of fans who seem set on becoming the pop-punk counterpart to 1970s Deadheads, in that they spend inordinate amounts of their time and life savings following Green Day all around the world. About a dozen of them were from Australia, but Britain, Norway, and the USA were represented as well. We posed for pictures, Tony from London graciously bought both Jackson and me a lemonade and lime, and a lovely Aussie girl called Aska blurted out that she was a big Lookouts fan, something I don’t hear too often, actually something I seldom hear at all, but as I thought to myself, “Well, somebody has to be, right?”

Looking strangely unmoved amid all this beauty.

The next day involved more Scottish sightseeing and more getting lost and stuck in traffic. Finally just before sunset we located Middle Earth, or maybe it was Harry Potter Land, or most likely an amalgam of the two, on the shores of Loch Lomond, where we drove for hours on preposterous one-lane roads that soared through fern and purple rhododendron forests before dipping precipitously back down (at times looking more like into) the Loch itself. I thought we were following a road that would lead us right round the Loch before taking us back to Glasgow, but not long after Jackson joked that it would probably wind up at a dead end in the middle of nowhere, it wound up at a dead end in the middle of nowhere, with darkness fast closing in.

A kindly couple who for reasons known only to them live at the end of the road in the middle of nowhere got out a map and showed us the way out (which basically entailed driving an hour or two back the same way we had just come). They were extremely hospitable and invited us to stay for tea, but we were beside ourselves trying to fend off swarms of nearly invisible midges, which are the bane of the Scottish outdoors, especially, according to what everyone says, at twilight in June. Even though we did a lightning re-entry to the car, at least 50 of the infernal creatures made it in with us, and we spent the first half of our return to Glasgow swatting at them. Or actually, Jackson did, as I thought it best to use my hands to keep us on the road and out of the forest and/or loch.

Lost in Harry Potter Land at twilight.

Still, a place I’ll always remember even more for its beauty than its midges, and I’ll have to say that I could happily have stayed in Scotland quite a bit longer (oh, I forgot to mention that they’re having a heat wave/drought up there which has turned the normal UK weather patterns upside down; while London shivers in the damp, pasty-skinned Scots are sunbasting themselves all along the banks of the Clyde).

But we had an engagement to keep in Baltimore: the 5th annual Insubordination Fest, known to insiders simply as “The Fest,” despite any pretensions to that name by some silly beardos down in Florida. I’ll have to write more about that event in another post; suffice it to say that there was a fair bit of drama and no small amount of hardship.  Thanks to some incredibly inept if not downright sadistic decision-making on the part of the management of Sonar, the club where it was being held, this year’s Fest turned out   a bit like Woodstock staged inside of Stalag 13, with Hogan’s Heroes reduced to smuggling bottled water inside of guitar cases to rescue the trapped hordes from imminent dehydration.

But we survived, and now we’re headed north again on a wireless-equipped Bolt Bus, soon to arrive (we hope, anyway) back in simple, sensible, safe and sound New York City where we will enjoy a long summer’s nap and I can compose myself to tell you about the Fest that wasn’t quite as festive as it might have been. And with that, I’m signing off for now from somewhere in Central Jersey; Jackson, his face pressed against the glass to marvel at the traffic-snarled concatenations of Interstate 95, waves a desultory hello and goodbye as we go.

England Expects

England Expects

Sooner or later during any international football competition in which England feature we are sure to hear some variation on “England expects,” the reference being to Admiral Nelson’s exhortation on the eve of the Battle of Trafalgar, the battle that gave Britain effective control of the high seas and, for the next century-plus, the modern world.

It’s short for “England expects that every man will do his duty,” and it’s embedded so deeply within the national psyche (even Wikipedia says so!) that more than the first two words seldom need to be spoken for the message to be conveyed.  Whenever the European Championship or the World Cup roll around, England does indeed expect, but what exactly it is expecting is another matter.

Where once it was assumed – at the level of near-certainty – that Britannia would rule the waves and the world as far into the future as could be imagined, as well as to triumph in any endeavor, military, economic, cultural, or sporting, it deigned to undertake, a rather different outlook is abroad in the land today.  Has been for some time, actually, perhaps ever since the Americans usurped England’s pre-eminent role on the world stage, but even as the USA began to dwarf the British in military and material terms, the mother country could console itself  with the knowledge that, if nothing else, it continued to be more, well, civilized.  Athens to America’s Rome, as Harold Macmillan memorably put it.

But culture, like so many other things in life, tends to go where the money is, and while Britain remains stunningly active in literary, artistic and musical terms, such enterprises no longer seem fully validated until they have “made it in America.”  Ever since the Second World War the haughty, arrogant nation Britain was once (perhaps a bit unfairly) perceived to be has increasingly had to wrestle with what might as well be termed self-esteem issues.

At least there was always football, the sport that England invented and which has grown to encompass the entire world, apart from a few curious gaps in, well, much of the United States.  At least there England could continue to excel, right?

Well, not exactly.  But before going on to explain how that particular horse cart has been consistently upended, it’s important to make the distinction between “England” and “Britain” or the “United Kingdom,” terms which are often confused or conflated, especially by Americans.  Although the United Kingdom is technically a single country (certainly the taxman will leave you in no doubt of that), when it comes to football and a number of other seemingly more significant (but not really) issues, it’s made up of four countries, England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland.  If there were a single United Kingdom team drawing on all four sources, it would be among the most powerful in the world, but no, that would be too simple (not to mention unthinkable to the Scots, who would cheer passionately for any nation, be it North Korea, Outer Mongolia or even the USA to thump the stuffing out of England).

England being by far the largest of the four nations, and home to the Premier League, probably the world’s most competitive, is the only one that figures consistently in international competitions, but whereas the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish accept their lesser status and gratefully accept the occasional crumbs of glory that fall their way, the English are roused to a simultaneous state of jingoistic fervor and fatalistic torpor by even the most minor conflict.

The jingoism is easy enough to understand – after all, the English literally invented the concept – but why the fatalism? Well, as anyone who even halfheartedly follows the sport can tell you, England, while they should regularly win, almost invariably contrive a way to lose, and usually in the most humiliating and ignominious manner possible.

Simon Kuper has recently written a book called Why England Lose, which purports to analyze, à la Kübler-Ross, the stages of World Cup grief. I haven’t read it yet, but I feel safe in saying that for England, disaster almost inevitably starts with hubris. Having lived in England through several World Cups and Euro championships, I recognize the signs immediately: newspaper headlines, taxi drivers, the man down the pub, all crowing that “this time” it will be different, that the problems have finally been sorted out, that only a handful of dodgy jumped-up foreigners stand in the way of England’s reclaiming its rightful place at the top of the footballing world.

Surely no one would accuse the English of being overconfident?

This stage lasts until the first embarrassing struggle against allegedly mediocre opposition, after which the consensus is that England played badly, the ref made some shocking calls, the foreigners cheated, etc., etc. This year the role of mediocre opposition was filled by the United States, a role for which, based on the record it’s achieved during the past couple years, it might have been woefully miscast, and the shock and rage that billowed throughout the land after England struggled to a 1-1 draw against the Americans must have rivaled that which greeted the surrender of Lord Cornwallis.

Cut to Friday night, where in a crowded and noisy East End pub, I and a couple hundred other shocked onlookers watched England stumble about even more ineffectually against an Algeria team that many reckoned was lucky to be in the World Cup at all. “Donkeys” and “clowns” were some of the kinder epithets being tossed about by the audience, and these were England fans. Oh, did I mention that there’s a great English tradition of cheering for the underdog, especially if he puts up a brave fight? So ironically, in this case, one could almost say that the most English thing to do was to cheer for Algeria, who conceivably could have won this thing, and in doing so would almost certainly have knocked England out of the Cup even earlier than usual.

In South Africa apparently they were booing, but here in London, the reaction was more akin to laughter – albeit with a tinge of hysteria – confirming my long-held thesis that football fandom in this country is actually a form of masochism mingled with self-flagellation.  In other words, English to the core.

The orgy of grief, outrage and finger-pointing seething through the land is familiar, comfortable territory for any England supporter, to the point where one suspects that the country would barely know how to handle the success enjoyed by footballing powers like Brazil, Germany or Argentina, against whom England routinely suffers its most galling defeats.

It could happen this year as well: if England manage to defeat Slovenia (once a foregone conclusion, now a very fraught and feeble hope) next Wednesday, they’ll be through to the final rounds, enabling them to be eliminated, as is traditional, in the quarterfinals. And – for such is the nature of football – they could even come back from their abysmal start and actually win their second World Cup in only 44 years, a dream to which some starry-eyed (or soddenly drunk) fan somewhere is still no doubt clinging.

But as an alternative, the English might be better advised to follow the lead – and oh, I know how these words hurt, but they’re for the best – of the Americans, who simply ignore the whole thing until and unless they win something.

Dreaming Of Detroit

Dreaming Of Detroit

The other morning I woke up in the middle of an unusually vivid dream in which I’d somehow found myself trapped on the rotting hulk of the Bob-Lo boat.

The Bob-Lo boat (there were actually two of them, the Ste. Claire and the Columbia) was a magical, wondrous craft that ferried people from downtown Detroit to the magical, wondrous place known as Bob-Lo Island. Well, as magical and wondrous a place as you were likely to encounter at the mouth of the virulently polluted Detroit River where it dumped its waste into the similarly polluted Lake Erie, anyway.

The Bob-Lo boat in its glory days.

The ride downriver lasted about half an hour, taking us past a dreary succession of chemical plants and steel mills that freely spewed their effluent into the water and the skies. But in those days that seemed perfectly normal.  Sure, it stunk, and sometimes it even hurt a little to breathe, but the thick air cast a hazy glow over everything, especially when the blood red sun was disappearing into the miasma and the Bob-Lo boat was making its languid way back upriver, carrying a load of weary but happy Detroiters home from their day of merry-go-rounds, picnics and roller coaster rides. The band played, the teenagers and young adults danced, and the dwarflike Captain Bob-Lo made his way through the crowds, sometimes amusing, sometimes terrorizing the children who caromed around the deck like so many pinballs on a Force Ten sugar rush.

The sometimes amusing, sometimes terrifying Captain Boblo.

There were four decks, and I used to migrate from the top, with its glorious open-air views of the Ontario and Michigan riverfront, to the bottom, where I could peer right down into the deafeningly loud and stiflingly hot engine room, savoring the smells of the superheated oil coating the enormous piston as it thrust in and out with an almost alarming clank and thump.  But the true heartbeat of the ship was on and around the dance floor, and it was there that the serpent of sorrow crept for the first time into my Bob-Lo childhood Eden.

Most families, at least most families of modest means like my own, got at best one trip a year to Bob-Lo.  If you were lucky, you might get an extra visit or two by being invited along with a friend’s family, or maybe if your dad was in the Knights of Columbus or the Lions Club (mine wasn’t), there’d be a group outing in addition to your annual family trip.  In my case, I was used to going once a year and making the most of it.

But when you got to sixth grade, everything changed.  Beginning that year, and continuing in seventh and eighth, you got to go on a end-of-school Bob-Lo excursion, with, apart from a few token chaperones, no annoying parents to interfere with your fun.  As much as I was looking forward to this, I dreaded the other part of the tradition: the sixth grade trip was the first time boys were not only allowed, but actually expected to ask girls to be their date for the day.

Naturally there was no end of talk and excitement over this prospect, to the point where schoolwork became little more than an afterthought during the last couple weeks before B-Day.  Having in the past always had a perfectly good time at Bob-Lo without dragging a girl along, I saw no reason to change things now, but the peer pressure was terrific, to the point where I was being asked a dozen times a day who I was going with, and being warned that I’d better choose someone soon “before all the cool girls are taken.”

My trouble was twofold: not only did I not particularly want to go with a girl, but worse, I couldn’t even imagine why some girl would want to go with me.  Finally, though, not wanting to be left even further out of the social mainstream than I already was, I made a list of three girls I didn’t actively dislike and who seemed nice enough that they might not want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me.  Having had no experience in asking girls for dates, and not much, for that matter, in talking to them at all, I approached the first girl on my list with the enthusiasm of a condemned man mounting the gallows and mumbled, “Um, you probably don’t want to go to Bob-Lo with me, do you?”

To their credit, none of the girls laughed in my face, were in fact very polite with their prettied-up versions of “Thanks but no thanks,” but at the end of the day, I was left to accept what I’d expected all along: nobody in her right mind would want to go on a date with me, probably ever.  I still had a pretty good time, riding the usual rides, stuffing myself to the point of near-nausea on cupcakes, green grapes, and Vernor’s Ginger Ale.  As twilight neared I boarded the boat for home with the satisfied sense that when it came to enjoying the sublime pleasures of boat rides and amusement parks, girls were entirely dispensable.

But that comfortable bubble abruptly burst when I discovered that nearly all of my classmates were on or around the dance floor, and that some of them were actually dancing.  With girls, no less, with the girls they’d asked to come to Bob-Lo with them, and who, for reasons that continued to elude me, had said, yes, they’d love to.

The band – I can’t see them in my mind’s eye, can’t tell you how many musicians there were or what instruments they played, but I can still hear them, even today – played slightly jazzed-up versions of the current Top 40 hits.  The only one I can remember – and it seemed as though they played it all the way home, was Bobby Darin’s “Dream Lover,” with its plaintive refrain:

Because I want (yeah yeah)
A girl (yeah yeah)
To call my own
I want a dream lover
So I won’t have to dream alone

And in that moment a thick fog of hopelessness settled over me.  The song was telling my story: all my life I would dream alone, never even knowing for sure who or what it was I wanted, let alone having a prayer of getting it.  Hadn’t my failure with the three girls I’d asked been proof enough?  Why would I want to humiliate myself further?  I was 11 years old, and doomed.

The rest of my Detroit years would rush away in a wave of adolescent sturm und drang.  I didn’t bother asking any girls on the Bob-Lo trips in seventh and eighth grade, and then there were no more trips, because we were in high school.  I guess some of the kids went on their own – with dates, of course – but the school was no longer involved, and of course I was too old to go with my parents.  So sometime in the early 1960s Bob-Lo became little more than a bittersweet memory, and why I still think and dream about it all these years later, I don’t know.

I’ve always been quick to leave places – and to some extent people as well – and slow to let them go.  Even now, 45 years after officially moving away from Detroit, I still haven’t completely shaken its dust from my heels, and though I know it will almost certainly never happen, I sometimes catch myself speculating about what it would be like to move back there.  It would be so much cheaper than New York, I argue; I could live like a king.  I already know the accent; people there would be less pretentious and status-conscious (I don’t know where I got the latter idea; everywhere I’ve lived, from rural wilderness to great metropolis, people have been status-conscious, and as for pretentious? Well, they all pretended that they weren’t).

Of course the Detroit I knew – and didn’t particularly like in the first place – is no longer there, vanished with the Bob-Lo boats, the steel mills and auto plants, the Motown hit factory, and over a million of its people.  Oh, how we used to complain about what a lousy home town we’d been stuck with, dirty, smelly, ugly, with nowhere to go and nothing to do, and of course in the rear view mirror of history that sounds crazy.  Who wouldn’t trade the post-apocalyptic ruin of today’s Detroit for the brash, brawling, cocky, thriving and sprawling Motor City of yesteryear?

Well, quite a few people, possibly; while Detroit of the 1950s and 60s was rolling in money and rich with opportunity, it was also rigidly segregated and un-self-consciously racist.  Its prosperity was also founded on a grand delusion: that America and the world could continue to consume ever greater volumes of fossil fuels and dump the detritus willy-nilly into the environment without ever suffering any consequences.

We learned otherwise, and I imagine we’ve still got more to learn.  The riots, the gas lines, the crime wave, the collapse of the city’s infrastructure, the exodus of more than half its citizens, all left their painful imprint on this staggering, punch-drunk shell of a city.

Then what should pop on my iPod this morning but the Marvelettes, letting girls everywhere know they’d better watch out for that playboy, and for a moment it was 1963 again, baking in the summer sun as we gunned the engines on our 8mpg Chevy hotrods and rolled down the Dix-Toledo Highway en route to a dip in the old stone quarry and maybe a lightning run across the state line for some firecrackers and 3.2 beer.

That was Detroit, too, the cars, the music, the exhilarating sense of freedom and possibility that, to be sure, mostly revolved around the idea that some day we’d make enough money or discover some kind of angle that would enable us to move away.  Crossing the Fort Street Bridge past the smudgepot forest of natural gas flares whose overpowering stink let you know you well and truly in the heart of the city, cruising up Jefferson past the abandon all hope, ye who enter here gates of Zug Island, or Fort Wayne, where newly minted 18 year olds with scarcely a clue about what awaited them were processed and packed off to Vietnam.

In the midst of the haze and the smoke and the random brutality there’d be oases like Bob-Lo or Belle Isle, or the Detroit Institute of the Arts, its cathedral-like entrance hall covered by a Diego Rivera mural that I one day dubbed the Sistine Chapel of the working classes, the Detroit Historical Museum, with its haunting re-creations of city streets and storefronts from the mid-19th century, the free summer concerts by the world-class Detroit Symphony Orchestra or our real hometown heroes, the Supremes.  Ted Williams bouncing a home run off but not over the roof of Briggs Stadium, Mickey Mantle lashing one off the face of the upper deck (but the Tigers still came from behind to win it), the lights of the Ambassador Bridge twinkling in the night as though they lit the path to Oz rather than the pleasantly mundane town of Windsor, Ontario.

Downtown was a phantasmagoria of commerce, industry and vice: three vast department stores that rivaled, some dared to whisper, even Macy’s or Gimbel’s in faraway New York.  Why, a fellow could get just about anything he needed somewhere in the vicinity of Woodward Avenue and its environs, be it a perfectly respectable suit of clothes set of furniture, or a thoroughly shady visit to a burlesque show or dirty book store.  It’s all gone now, some of it replaced or rebuilt elsewhere, much of it vanished forever like so many of 20th century America’s certitudes and certainties.  Gone, and as my generation fades away, most likely forgotten as well, but all this was Detroit, and I dream of it still.

Round And Round

Round And Round

Another thing I neglected to mention about the Circle Line was that the never-endingness of its route made it the perfect venue for a near-riotous party when, in 2008, London finally banned the consumption of alcohol on buses and trains. Bizarre as it might sound in America, where in all but a handful of 24-hour party cities like Las Vegas or New Orleans, a person can be clapped in irons for appearing anywhere in public with an open container, in most of England it had always been perfectly lawful for someone to drink him or herself silly on a street corner, park bench, or while taking a leisurely stroll or bus ride across town.

Somewhere in the 1990s, around the same time the advent of New Labour and “Cool Britannia” saw pavement cafes and pastel colors introduced to the previously beige, white and buttoned-up capital, public drinking took on a new dimension, one that was further amplified when World War I laws forcing pubs to close at 11 pm and 10:30 on Sundays were finally scrapped. The idea was to replace the traditional Anglo-Saxon style of alcohol consumption (guzzle as much as you can before closing time before staggering out into the street to get in fights with the thousands of other similarly sozzled souls milling about with nowhere to go because restaurants were also forced to close by the antiquated licensing laws) with “Continental” style drinking, which, at least in the wet dreams of New Labour, would consist of well-dressed and coiffed intellectuals and artists whiling away the balmy nights (I think they genuinely believed that if Britain introduced enough aspects of Mediterranean culture, the weather would be forced to follow suit) over a glass or two of a witty and urbane Bordeaux or Beaujolais.

The reality has proved to be more like Animal House spilling out into high streets across the land, prompting much media agonizing about “Binge Britain” and demands by the Daily Mail that “sensible” restrictions on alcohol consumption be re-introduced. Those with sufficiently long memories will recall that at one time pubs opened for lunch, then closed for the afternoon, only reopening once the man of the house had had time to have his supper, and one gets the impression this arrangement would suit the Daily Mail down to the ground.

Another suggestion is that alcohol is sold too cheaply, though prices are already sufficiently elevated to send visiting Americans into catatonic shock, a state which can only be addressed by, as you might guess, drinking more and faster to avoid having to think about how fast one’s money is disappearing, which may also go a long way toward explaining the British habit of drinking to obliteration. In any event, no one has yet succeeded in teaching the locals to drink like Europeans, and this was well illustrated by the Circle Line Cocktail Party that marked the last night of legal drinking on the Tube.

Today there are fewer bottles and cans rolling around on trains and buses, as well as fewer puddles of vomit and other unidentified liquids, but the streets still resemble an alcoholic armageddon at times. Much ink has been expended on the subject of why the English can’t seem to teach their children how to drink, but no solution seems in sight, so it’s a real godsend when everyone can turn their attention to even more intractable questions such as how the massive national debt is going to be paid off or who, if anyone, is going to be the prime minister everyone blames for attempting to do so.

It was with some reluctance that I dragged myself away from the newspapers, radio and TV to watch my beloved Fulham Football Club humiliate themselves and be humiliated in the last game of the season against powerhouse Arsenal. Arsenal needed to win to assure themselves of third place in the Premiership (and to avoid being passed up by their hated North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur), and therefore fielded a full-strength team; Fulham had nothing to play for and were mainly interested in keeping their squad healthy for Wednesday night’s Europa Cup final, so they played mostly second and third stringers. By the time Arsenal had gone three goals up nobody was taking the result too terribly seriously, but it was still a hell of a way to wind up the season. And while there were tentative plans to travel to Hamburg for the Europa final, those too have gone by the board, and instead I’ll be watching via big-screen TV along with a gathering of Fulham loyalists out in leafy Surrey.

Presumably by then the political crisis will have been resolved one way or the other; at least I hope so, as I have to go back to America the following day and would hate to miss out on any of the excitement. Then on the other hand, the volcano has been acting up again, so it’s quite possible I could end up being marooned over here indefinitely. The weather has been awful, too, or, should I say, it’s been pretty typical, i.e., temperatures in the 40s and 50s (or barely out of single digits, as non-Americans would see it), with the good days being those when the winds sweeping down from the North Sea didn’t carry too terribly much rain with them. However, I haven’t complained much, if at all, until now, except to feebly point out that the entire time I’ve been here New York has been enjoying midsummer-type weather. Well, I really don’t mind that much, to tell the truth; one doesn’t live here as long as I did without acquiring some of the almost perverse English delight at bad weather (and poor rail service and incompetent public services and shocking prices and football teams that are better than your own), without which survival in this rainy and windswept islands would be difficult indeed.

Speaking of which, it’s now time to plumb another depth of London life: a journey to North London after the witching hour of 11:30 on a Sunday night, which means no trains and only occasional night buses, none of which will bring me closer than a half mile to my destination. If you’re wondering why there would be no trains after 11:30, you only need know that train closing times were set long ago to coordinate with pub closing times, as well as with the apparent belief that no decent citizen would have occasion to be on the streets later than that on a Sunday. The fact that London has managed to acquire a million or two indecent citizens seems to be of little interest to those in charge of providing public transport or other accommodation.

And speaking of the most public accommodation of all, Number 10 Downing Street, I ran across this passage in the Times today: “[His] monomania was never more clearly seen than in the days after the general election when, a ludicrous and broken figure, he clung with grubby fingers tot he crumbling precipice of his power. The spectacle was ludicrous; it was pathetic; it was contemptible. And, having been over the weekend a squalid nuisance, remains as leader of [his] party just that.”

The preceding appeared in the Spectator after the 1974 election left then-prime minister Ted Heath facing a predicament remarkably similar to that confronting Gordon Brown today: nearly the entire country was unified by the desire to see the back of him, but in the absence of anyone having figured out how to actually make it happen, was determined to hang around being “a squalid nuisance” for as long as possible. And lest I be accused of doing the same, let me say good night for now.

Squaring The Circle Line

Squaring The Circle Line

The advent of the railroad in 19th century England was not greeted with unalloyed joy; one dyspeptic lord protested against it on the grounds that it “would only encourage the laboring classes to travel about needlessly.”

Similar sentiments held sway in London, where attempts to build a central railway station were quashed by those who objected not only to the noise and smoke the trains would produce, but also to the sort of people they might attract.  Instead, a ring of smaller railway stations, each serving a different region of the country, was constructed outside of what was then Central London; tourists – and some locals as well – have been befuddled and inconvenienced ever since by the necessity of first determining which station their journey required them to depart from or arrive at, and, when traveling from one part of the country to another by way of London, transferring between stations that might be situated many miles apart.

It was partly to address this problem that the Circle Line came into being, first as a railway, later as a part of the London Underground (that’s “subway” to American readers), and which passes through or near every major mainline rail station.  It is – or was, until December 2009, the only Underground line to have no starting or end point, making it the perfect vehicle for someone who wants to go round and round on a very long ride without having to arrive at any place in particular.

Which sounds an awful lot like the present state of British politics, but more about that in a minute.  Upon my most recent arrival back in London, I was disconcerted to discover that the Circle Line no longer goes in a circle.  Well, not strictly speaking, anyway.  It still makes the loop-de-loop around the capital, still serves all the mainline rail stations, but now it has a beginning and end, the result of a spur line having been added, so that now Circle Line trains leave the, erm, circle and trundle off to Hammersmith in West London, where they stop and rest for a while before going back to round the horn once more, only to terminate in hell, aka Edgware Road.

If I still lived in my old flat in London, this would not be an entirely bad thing; the new Circle Line spur would pass directly beneath my window, in theory (this is London Underground’s theory, anyway; I have my doubts) doubling or at least greatly increasing the frequency with which trains arrive at my station, which was previously served only by the less than reliable Hammersmith and City line.  But more than that, it would have at least technically shifted my residence from outside to inside the Circle Line, which in some ways is the equivalent of living inside the Beltway in Washington DC terms or in Manhattan when looked at from a New York perspective.

Granted, it would still be just as far to the center of town, still entail an annoying change of trains (possibly two, thanks to the fiendish machinations that take place in and around the aforementioned Edgware Road), but nonetheless would have paid dividends in smugness, in that whenever media commentators referred disparagingly to self-obsessed inner Londoners, I could have proudly said, “That’s me and my neighbors they’re slagging off there!”

But alas, I’m no longer a Londoner, and unless Mayor Bloomberg’s Vision 2020 Comprehensive Waterfront Plan can be amended to include a rerouting of the East River, consigned for the foreseeable future to New York’s Outer Boroughs. Not to mention paying for my own health care and Metrocard (Londoners 60 and over get free public transport, though it will be interesting to see if that very generous benefit survives these economically and politically parlous times).

At any rate, I’ve been holed up in a cheapish London hotel (also, as it happens, a few steps outside the Circle Line) this past week and a half, from which I’ve had the opportunity to observe the most chaotic and ineffectual (at least so far) general election of recent times. The result? Well, there hasn’t been one so far, so in a sense we’ve been without a government for three days now. Technically, Gordon Brown is still prime minister, but only because they haven’t been able to confirm a replacement, and overall, the effect is something like the uneasy interregnum that followed America’s disputed presidential election in 2000.

Another similarity to the Bush-Gore set-to is the feeling, widespread on both sides, that people are in danger of being cheated out of the result they voted for, the main difference being that here there are three sides, possibly four if you count the hefty proportion of Brits who would like to see any and all politicians taken out and hung and were disappointed to learn that this was not at all what a “hung parliament” referred to.

The current troubles have actually been a long while in the making: because Britain has three rather than two major political parties, it’s been decades since any party, even when election results have been touted as a “landslide,” has had a legitimate claim to represent a majority of the people. Couple that with a bizarre (the less charitable might call it completely corrupt) system of legislative boundaries and you have a situation like the present one, where the Labour Party can receive only a 5% greater share of the vote than the Liberal Democrats, but win more than four times as many seats in Parliament (258 to 57).

Similarly, you have the Conservatives, who received only a bit more than a third of the national vote (36%), claiming, by virtue of their 305 Parliamentary seats, the right to take Britain on a course dramatically different from that espoused by the other two parties, who between them garnered 51% of the popular vote. Unfortunately for them, they haven’t managed to win the 326 seats which would enable them to do so.

So here we sit, bereft not only of a government, but at least for now, of ideas for how the impasse can be resolved. If the Conservatives can persuade the Liberal Democrats to join them in a coalition, then they’ll have all the votes they need; the sticking point is that the main demand of the Lib Dems is a change to the electoral system that would in future elections give them representation in Parliament proportional to the number of votes they received and forever change the face of British politics. Most notably, since Labour is a more natural ally for the Lib Dems, it would probably consign the Conservatives to permanent minority party status.

There’s also the outside chance that the Lib Dems could form an alliance with Labour to keep the Tories out, but because Labour did so badly in this election, that could only happen by including the fringe and regional parties, which would in turn give each of them veto power over anything the government tried to do. Above and beyond that, the biggest single sticking point preventing any such alliance is Gordon Brown, the widely unpopular – even in his own party – prime minister, who is presently holed up – “like a squatter,” says the right wing press, not without some justification – in Downing Street and simply refusing to relinquish what’s left of his power.

There is a possibility – a slim one, true – that the Liberals could, faced with the arrogance and obduracy of Conservatives who think they are the rightful heirs to government, make a deal with Labour, but it’s extremely unlikely that they will do so – or that the country will accept it – as long as Gordon Brown has not vacated the scene. Whether Labour can come up with a credible replacement on short notice – we’re talking days here, if not hours – is doubtful, especially since only a handful of Labour MPs have dared to question Brown’s continued tenure. Gordon Brown may be a mortally wounded beast, soon to be ignominiously turned out of office and maybe public life altogether, but for reasons probably known only to insiders remains capable of inspiring more fear than loathing in his underlings.

Result? Perhaps a new government by tonight or at least morning (“before the markets open” is the recurring mantra), but perhaps not. It remains to be seen whether the Lib Dems’ Nick Clegg will hold fast to one of the party’s chief organizing principles, reform of the electoral system, or cave in to the Tories for the sake of temporary and largely symbolic power. Most of the media are betting on the latter, and given the financial crisis gripping Europe and threatening to go global, perhaps that’s the only real choice he has. Then again, if certain economists – Krugman comes to mind – are correct in claiming that the Conservatives’ budget-cutting plans will destabilize rather than strengthen Britain’s fragile recovery, what’s the hurry?